Frustrations of a People Pleasing Introvert

“Being a people pleasing introvert can be super rewarding and frustrating.” - MJ

Being a people pleasing introvert is a unique paradigm, when you think about it. Part of me wants to be in my quiet office analyzing and solving problems, while the other part of me is vying for appreciation and belonging by helping, supporting, and going the extra mile at all costs. I do not want to be in the spotlight, yet, I want to be the right hand to whomever I am working for or supporting. As if that were not enough by itself, in my aspirations for achievement, I lead people on a daily basis and I want to be a one stop shop for them, everything they need from technical expertise, to practical home life advice, and of course their personal coach and cheerleader. Who does not want their team to succeed? I want them all to be successful in whatever they want to do and I want to do my part to help them achieve their goals and dreams. After about ten to twelve hours of doing all that, there is my personal life, which consists of my hubby and I, routinely venting about our day and watching mindless television until time for bed. Then wake up, rinse, and repeat the cycle all over again. Did I mention, I also wanted to be healthy and workout, but eating dessert every night is way more appealing when we were watching television. I should also mention that I had a volunteer commitment a few times a month as well, that occasionally consumed a weekend. So, what is there to be frustrated about, I have everything I could ever want, right?

1. Undervalued and Unappreciated

I give and give and give and what do I get back in return? More work and sometimes more work paired with complaints. Do you think anyone comes over and truly says thank-you with sincerity. No, not at all. I poured my heart and soul into creating the perfect report, presentation, email, policy, or whatever, and if I am lucky, I get a half-baked “thanks,” with add this or that or do this or so and so is complaining, can you take care of it? Yet, my colleague goes out to lunch, has time to run errands during work hours, and somehow manages to get acknowledgement, praise, and appreciation in the staff meetings for actively running their mouth about who knows what.

2. My Vocabulary Limitation – “I’m Sorry”

I am not sure how it happened, but somewhere along the way, “I’m sorry” became a normal part of my vocabulary. You stub your toe and suddenly I am saying “I’m sorry.” I had nothing to do with that situation, but, yet, here I am apologizing for it. Everything and anything got an “I’m sorry,” so when I was sorry about something, I said “I am so very sorry.” Like that really made a difference.

3. Imposter Syndrome, Unnecessarily Overthinks and Analyzes Things

I had a track record of success, but, yet, I always doubted myself. I felt inadequate, unqualified, and unprepared for my role and responsibilities. It made me work harder for a fear of my supervisor finding out and thinking of me as incompetent. I strived for everything I prepared and everything that my team prepared to be flawless. I could do a million things right, but if I did something wrong, that would be the thing they would remember. I was so concerned about getting things done accurately, that I would take work home on the weekends to ensure a perfect submission on Monday morning. All this extra effort could be exhausting at times, yet, I had to keep pushing forward, smiling on the outside, while all I wanted to do in the inside was take a nap.  

In passing, you say “hi” and I say “hi” back to you and that should be the end of it. So why did I replay the interaction in my mind to see if I should have said something else? Who knows why I cared to waste my time on this. After an important meeting or presentation, why did I feel the compelling need to know what everyone thought of my performance? I had a message to deliver, I delivered it, and I confirmed the audience comprehended my message. What else did I need to know? Why when I need to do something simple like write a greeting card, did it take me ten minutes to figure out what else I am going to write in the card?

4. Conflict Avoidance and Difficulty Saying “No”

I avoided confrontation (face to face) disagreements at all cost. The boss implements a new ridiculous policy and what do I do, rather explain why the idea won’t work, I accept it, and implement it. You think we did something wrong, sure of course we did, until I research it, and prove to you that we didn’t do anything wrong. You think the sky is green when I can clearly see that it is blue, I would just agree and keep it moving. If Sally came by and said the sky is red, you guessed it I would agree with her too.

Alone in my office, I can say “no” all day long. I was even pretty good at saying “no” when it came to defending my team and anything that I felt was morally or ethically unjust. But ask me to do something at 6pm in the evening, and somehow, that simple little word would vanish from my vocabulary. I’m not sure where “no” would go, but that only left me with “okay” or silence, which apparently means “yes”.

5. Unable to Articulate my Thoughts and Uncomfortable Speaking in Meetings

The mind and body are amazing. I could spend hours analyzing something complex and break it down into consumable chucks for others to understand. Yet, there were times, when I was put on the spot to speak about my findings and my mind would just go blank. Obviously, I could not sit in silence, so words would come out of my mouth, but they didn’t always make sense. The work world revolves around meetings, some people love them, others despise them, and to honest I am somewhere in the middle. You know there is the dreaded let’s go around the room. I am not sure why, but I always thought what my peers were working on, was so much more important and involved, than what I was working on. I honestly knew better, but that didn’t stop my heart from pounding and my hands from getting sweaty. So, sure enough when my turn came around, I would blurt out one or two things, and say that’s it. I could have had a breakthrough on something, but my anxiety would stop me from sharing. However, if you wanted to talk about these things in a comfortable small group setting or one on one, that was no problem at all, I could talk freely for hours.

6. Fear of Failure, Disapproval, and not Belonging

When you really assess the root cause of my frustrations, they stem from a fear of failure, disapproval, and not belonging. The majority of my time and energy was spent on work, so if I failed at work, where does that leave me? If my team disapproves of me as supervisor, what does that say about me as a person? If my work colleagues exclude me from their collective work initiatives, then that would mean that I am excluded from the leadership team and they don’t value my contributions. I could be missing out on key information that is vital to the success of my mission. So rather than upset all these important people, I tried my hardest to please everyone at the expense of my time and energy.

7. Burnout

Burnout is a real. I thought “burnout” was just a fad to get a doctor’s note to take a few days off. Well, the extra gray hair, twenty pounds, neck and shoulder tension, and feeling completely physically and mentally drained after more than adequate rest is proof enough for me that burnout exists. It is that point where enough is enough, the challenges are no longer fun and exciting, they are just draining and demotivating. The work training was moving 100+ miles per hour and while I used to find that exhilarating, all I wanted to do was jump off the train. The best decision for me, was to find a new job. While I emphatically cared about my team, I could no longer lead them effectively. Rather, I focused my energies into setting them up for success and training them to take over my position upon my departure.  

In summary, these were in fact my actual frustrations. Now they are quite comical, but back then, these were real issues for me. No one talked about these things, so I thought all these issues were just isolated to me. I found out much later that many of my peers and others experienced similar issues at varying levels. So, if any of this resonates with you, rest assured you are not alone. The good news is that if you choose to overcome these issues you can. The best place to start is with reflection on these issues in your life. Try to identify the triggers and then see if the triggers really should have the value that you place on them.